Yes and No

Yes and No.  For being so small, these two words can be so weighty.  The use of either often requires wisdom, courage, and sometimes a little desperation.

Shortly after I became pregnant with my fourth child, I began to withdraw from committees and responsibilities at church.  "I'd be happy to help if there's anything I can do from home," I told people, "but I can't commit to be at a certain place at a certain time."

It was at the same time a difficult decision and an easy one.  Difficult, in that I felt I ought to do more outside caring for my immediate family and surroundings.  I ought to pull my weight at church and in the community.  I ought to jump in and help wherever and however needed.  And yet it was easy. A sober evaluation of my limitations mixed with a little desperation convinced me that I needed to narrow my focus.  I needed to protect and preserve my energies - mental, physical, emotional - and apply them best where I needed to use them most, on the home front.

With two elementary boys to home school and a toddler and a newborn to tend, I sort of felt I'd have enough on my plate to keep me amply occupied.  I feared I would be unable to remember, let alone honor, any commitment I might make to do anything outside of our home.  I was not at all confident that after a day of caring for four children and hopefully keeping our house habitable, I would have any time, energy, or brainpower to perform any additional tasks.  And so I issued a blanket "No" to any and all commitment that would require me to venture beyond the walls of our house at a time I wouldn't otherwise venture out into the world.  I offered to bring desserts and to help as needed in the nursery - since Geoff or I was likely to be in the nursery with the baby anyway, but serving on committees and teaching classes -anything that would cause inconvenience should I be unable to honor my commitment or should I run later that my usual late- that was all out of the question.  I wanted to keep my schedule open should any of the children feel sick, hungry, or clingy.  I wanted to keep my schedule open should I feel the need to rest at home, fellowship with other adults, or just sit and enjoy not being in demand.

It was, I believe, a good choice.  Given the amount of desperation that played into the decision to say "No," to just about everything, I can't honestly call it a wise decision, but it was good.  It gave me the freedom to commit myself fully to my family, adjust to our increased size, and participate in activities without the stress of having to be there.  We did spend plenty of time in the nursery, and I did make plenty of desserts, so it's not like I was totally useless...  And I was still tired, stressed, and run down plenty of times, so it's not like my plan was entirely effective...

Still, "No" gave me room to breathe.

And in time, "Yes" became an option once more.  As Luke has grown older and more independent, I've felt more confident - in him and in myself - committing myself to obligations and enjoyments on the other side of our figurative white picket fence.  It took longer than I might have expected - and there are still things to which I would rather not commit myself - but in the past year, I have felt the baby fog lift enough to teach Children's Church again, start a blog, join a Bible study, train for a 5K (on a couple occasions, though I have yet to run a race), enroll the children in a weekly class...  In short, as I've adjusted to life with four children, and as the youngest of our members has grown more independent, opportunities open and reopen.

And here is where wisdom comes into the picture.  Now I must choose wisely.  Because as simple as it is to issue a blanket "No," issuing a blanket "Yes" has serious side effects.  While "No" may isolate one or keep one from unexpectedly amazing experiences, more often than not, the careless use of "Yes" lands one in a heap of stress.  It is good and right to say, "Yes," of course, provided you are saying "Yes," to the right thing at the right time.  Just because something is good does not mean it is good for you, or for you right now.  We must carefully consider when to say "Yes" and when to say "No."  A poorly timed "Yes" can be as disastrous as a poorly timed "No" can be disappointing.  We must carefully, honestly, prayerfully consider our answers before committing or not committing ourselves to any endeavor, lest we overtax ourselves on the one hand or deprive ourselves of wonderful adventures on the other hand.  That takes a certain amount of wisdom...

And courage. "No" requires a courage that looks beyond expectations to see what is best and refuses to waver when expectations of others and of self seek to take supremacy over what is best.  "Yes," on the other hand, requires a courage that believes in more than what seems possible and dares to make the impossible a reality.

Yes, sometimes desperation is the deciding factor - desperation to shelter what is or desperation to transform what is into what might be.  Maybe there's a little wisdom even in desperation, as if a deep inner someone is jumping up and down, shouting, "Go that way!  Go that way!"

So why am I writing all this today?  Honestly, I'm not entirely sure!  I have enjoyed new experiences lately, so I guess I want to encourage some of you to say "Yes" despite fears of failure.  I've also had to say "No" to other very good things that I wish I'd been able to do, but felt with full peace simply were not the best thing for me or for my family right now.  So, yeah, I want to encourage those of you struggling to say "No," too.  I want you to know that "No" is a perfectly acceptable answer, even when you're saying "No" to something excellent.

Whatever your answer, and whatever combination of wisdom, courage, and desperation lead you to that answer, I pray it leads to peace.  May you march into new, ever-expanding realms with confidence or snuggle in peace in your present, cozy realm.