Parenting "The Right Way"

Sometimes the biggest blessings in our lives are people quite unlike ourselves.  They teach us to look at life from a different perspective and sometimes, to appreciate the view through their eyes.  Yes, our differences can cause conflict, as we or they are not entirely comfortable not being in agreement with one another.  This is particularly true in the realm of parenting.

See, we all have our ideas of what "The Right Way" to parent is.  If you don't believe it, check yourself the next time someone criticizes your parenting.  You will come up with at least a dozen reasons why what you do is not just fine, but the best thing for your family, thank you very much!  At best, we research our options, consider our circumstances (beliefs, personalities, family dynamics, financial means, lifestyle, etc.), and make informed decisions about what we will do or not do with our children.  At worst, we take the stance that we have supreme authority to do whatever our fancy or mood dictates with our children, regardless of physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual consequences for good or evil to our children and others.  (I am most thankful not to know anyone who fits squarely into this second category as a rule).  Often, though, we do the best with admittedly limited knowledge of ourselves and the options, frequently falling short of our own ideals, ideals which, in the case of healthy parents, always - regardless of where we fall on the spectrum of parenting styles or how miserably we fail to uphold them - flow from a desire to love and nurture our children into healthy, capable, happy adults.

But here's the thing:  We aren't all going to parent the same way.  My Wise and Wonderful Sister, who has a style quite different from and yet quite similar to my own, commented the other day that none of the things we parents so highly esteem are necessarily "right" or explicitly "biblical," on the basis that there is only one clear thing God commands parents to do in regard to their children:

 Fix these words of mine in your hearts and minds; tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Teach them to your children, talking about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.  (Deuteronomy 11:18-19)

In Ephesians 6:4, Paul repeats the command:

Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.  (My sister observed that the command not to exasperate children is directed to fathers.  Does this mean we mothers may exasperate all we want?  Hmm...)

Now, I do believe that all of the commands regarding our treatment of our fellow human beings, summed up in the single command to LOVE ONE ANOTHER, AS CHRIST HAS LOVED US, apply to our children as well.  We are to love our children as Christ has loved us, and loving like Christ is a big command in and of itself.  While we may personally feel that natural childbirth, breastfeeding, baby-wearing, co-sleeping, delayed solids, organic foods, physical training, a good (academic) education, and a host of other things demonstrate our love, even that they are God's will for our families or that they are the undeniably best choices for the thinking human, the Bible does not speak specifically to these practices, and so we must be careful not to confuse these practices with the universal will of God for all families everywhere at every time.  In talking with people who parent differently and hearing their reasons for doing what they do, I am not swayed to change my practices (because I have put a lot of thought, research and prayer into what we do and am confident in our choices), but I cannot deny the love behind their choices...  or the reality that they have happy, well-adjusted children who are apparently no worse off for not having been cuddled to sleep till they were one...  or two... or well, let's just leave it at that.

No, the Bible does not address many of the practices we hold so essential to "good parenting."  That's not to say these practices are not good or that it doesn't matter what we do.  I do believe the responsibility to love our children requires us to make informed choices about what is best for them rather than what is most convenient for us.  Plain common sense tells us that a balanced meal is more beneficial, and thus more loving, to a child than a box of Twinkies and a two-liter of Mountain Dew.  But it's not always that clear-cut, and before we judge another parent too harshly or too generously, we would do well to hear their reasoning.  We would do even better to remember that it's none of our business how they raise their children.  While we may offer help and encouragement, we are not the ones who have to raise their children.  Nor are we the ultimate judge of their work.

And how will the Ultimate Judge of a Parent's Work judge any of our work, if not by our faithfulness to His one command:  Teach these words of mine to your children?


I really don't want to let go of my advocacy for natural childbirth, exclusive and extended breastfeeding, co-sleeping, baby-wearing, and even home education.  But I, and each of us, must fix as our primary goal the passing on of Truth to our children, for that is our clear call as parents and the one thing that will stand the test of eternity.  I do not mean we neglect temporal things like physical, emotional, and intellectual nourishment.  I only mean that we keep these things in their proper places, remembering always our higher calling to teach our children God's ways in all that we do.

For the second time today, I find myself thinking I have outlined a very difficult task, one I'm not sure I'm up to accomplishing.  And so, as with living joyfully, I must look to Christ to train my children in His ways.  I must also rest in His grace, knowing that I will fail again and again, grateful that He receives me by His amazing grace, rather than by my feeble efforts, and rejoicing in the hope that my children's hearts are in His hands more firmly than in mine.