I don't read many parenting books, and not just because, as a parent, I have little time to sift through the gads of parenting books out there. The real reason is that parenting books on the whole have left me entirely unimpressed. The ones I have read - or attempted to read - tend to fall into at least one of three categories.
The first category is filled with formulaic books, books that promise that if you follow these steps, you will have a perfect little baby who sleeps all night long and is only hungry at convenient times or an older child who says "Please," and "Thank you, Ma'am," and never fights with his brother or balks at having to do chores. The problem with these books is that child-rearing isn't that simple. Children are not all alike, so even if a formula existed, I doubt it would work on all children. Among my children, there are things that are not only tolerable, not only enjoyable, but necessary to the well-being of one child that would be near torture to another child. Since I don't have time to find and read a formulaic book for each of my four children, let alone keep straight the formulas for each child so that I'm not sending one of them into the horrors of the solitude for which another so desperately longs, I steer clear of books promising a recipe for a perfect child... which is probably good, because I thoroughly stink at following recipes.
The second category of books suggest that children are the enemy. (I know, I know, sometimes it feels like they are the enemy...) A title that make me cringe every time I hear it is Have a New Kid by Friday. Glancing over the book, it looks like the formulaic books mentioned above, but the real offense lies in the position it appears to take against children, as if we need to subdue the little monsters before they take over. (Again, I know sometimes it feels like this is the reality). Countless books take this same approach. My issue with such books is that no matter how much my children may irritate me on any given day, I stand by my belief that God has created them with their specific personality traits for a reason and that He intends to use those traits for His glory and their good. By God's grace, bull-headed stubbornness turns to undaunted perseverance, obnoxious mouthiness to courageous speech, dizzying hyperactivity to useful energy, and emotional hypersensitivity to genuine empathy. These are good traits in our children, at least potentially good traits. I don't want to eradicate them, but to train my children to use them well. I am offended as a mother by books that aim to "fix" my children. I am offended as a Christian by books that suggest that children created by God are evil monsters who need to be tamed, rather than children who need to be instructed and guided with love and grace. (Note: I'm not talking about sinners in need of a savior here, but basic parenting philosophies).
The third category of parenting books is neither ridiculous nor offensive. It's just not practical. These are books that present theories of child-rearing with which I agree - or mostly agree, but fail to demonstrate practical ways to implement the theoretical in daily life. They are good to read, as they often remind me of what is truly important and help me prioritize for the good of my family, but they really aren't all that helpful in the long run.
In walks Mary Sheedy Kurcinka and Raising Your Spirited Child (after an unexpectedly long introduction)...
I hesitated to buy the book, for reasons made clear upon reading it, but my wise and wonderful sister kept recommending it. In the end, she commanded more than recommended... "Lisa, you NEED to read Raising Your Spirited Child. Go get it!" And I am ever so thankful that I did.
The book is divided into five sections: Understanding Spirit, Working With Spirit, Living With Spirit, Socializing With Spirit, and Enjoying Spirit - a short epilogue. (Confession: I am just now finishing Part Two, but am so impressed with the book that I couldn't wait to recommend it. The parts of the book I have yet to read deal with specific situations like bedtime, mealtime, getting dressed, and socialization. Understandably, I can't say much about those chapters till I've read them, but I feel Kurcinka has laid a solid enough foundation in what I have read that I have no qualms recommending the book).
In the first section, Kurcinka expounds on the book's subtitle - "a guide for parents whose child is more intense, sensitive, perceptive, persistent, and energetic" - by listing personality traits often found in larger doses in spirited children than in their less spirited counterparts. Intensity, Persistence, Sensitivity, Perceptiveness, Adaptability, Regularity, Energy, First Reaction, and Mood each get a paragraph or two of description before she asks you to rate your child from one to five in each category. After you discover how spirited each of your children may be, Kurcinka plays a nasty, nasty trick... She asks you to rate yourself! The neat thing about this section for me was that I discovered that I had not one, but two spirited children... but spirited in different, often opposite ways. I was a little surprised, too, to discover that I myself fall into the spirited category. As I have read the book, I have often seen myself as much as my children as I read about various personality traits and am learning to recognize the rising up of certain traits in myself. For example, through the chapters on Adaptability and First Reaction, I began to understand why my wise and wonderful sister had to recommend this book and the Couch-to-5k running plan a gazillion times before I accepted either of her excellent recommendations. I'm... slow... to... warm... up... to... new... ideas. And, as Kurcinka would assure me, this is good, because I'm going to think about it before I jump off a bridge with all my friends.
The second section consists of a chapter devoted to each personality trait. (The last four traits get one chapter together). In each chapter, Kurcinka defines a trait more fully, offering various real-life examples of the trait in action and giving the trait a positive spin - reasons to feel hopeful when you realize that your child or you yourself are more... whatever the frightfully overwhelming trait may be. She also offers both tips for dealing with a child who is overwhelmed by the trait and tips for coping when you are overwhelmed by the trait in yourself. Each chapter closes with a summary page for quick reference. Taking the chapter on Persistence as an example, the summary pages include lists of tips entitled"Persistent spirited children need to hear," "Teaching tips," and "If you are persistent too."
Throughout these chapters, Kurcinka maintains a tender tone toward spirited children, even while laughing and crying with their amused, perplexed, exhausted, discouraged, furious, overwhelmed, but always loving parents. She recognizes that people are people, that we are all specially created with amazing personalities full of promise, even if that promise is hidden under less than admirable behavior. She recognizes that sometimes coping with what's going on inside is something kids can't do on their own. They need someone to name the feelings that overwhelm them and give them tips for coping with those feelings. She recognizes that sometimes it's Mom or Dad who needs a bit of help coping. Even as we train our children to cope, we must train ourselves. Kurcinka addresses all of this with love and humor, as a trusted friend who's been through it already.
For me, it is the perfect blend of theory and practice. She does not offer a formula, but hope and help for parents struggling with abundant personality - in their children, in themselves, or in both their children and themselves. It's not just good for spirited people, though. The principles in Raising Your Spirited Child can be applied to any child (or adult). They are respectful of individual personalities and aimed at building strong, healthy parent-child relationships, in which parent and child understand and appreciate one another's unique personality traits. Kurcinka presents a child-rearing philosophy in which the parent draws from experience and observation to teach the child to cope with the external and internal challenges of life.
In the epilogue Kurcinka writes, "Building a relationship is a process that occurs over years, and every stage of development brings new challenges that force you to stretch, learn, and grow in different ways. Remember, our motto is progress not perfection." (p.467) That is what I think parenting should be - a relationship in which we seek to understand our children and help them understand themselves that we might learn and grow together. None of us will attain perfection in this lifetime, but we press on together, hand in hand and heart to heart.
Now, if only Kurcinka would write Understanding Your Spirited Spouse, I'd have Geoff's anniversary gift all figured out...
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