On Wednesday, a friend sent me an article combating that Time Magazine "Are You Mom Enough?" cover with the notion that none of us is "mom enough," but God is "God enough." Today, Facebook offered the following tidbit: Behind every great kid is a mom who's pretty sure she's screwing it up. The messages are good, but they identify a disturbing reality.
The Mommy Wars never really go away, do they?
It occurs to me that they don't go away because we mommies don't let them go away. We're holding on to the very insecurities that make The Mommy Wars so very successful. However many inspirational quotes we post to our Facebook pages, however staunchly we defend our parenting choices, however great our kids are turning out, however fulfilled our personal and professional lives are, the questions remains. Am I mom enough? Am I screwing it all up?
I'll be honest. I ask those questions myself, and I don't know how to make them go away. I think we need to fight back, though, and we're going to have to do it together.
Don't worry. I'm not going to ask you to compromise your beliefs about childbirth or infant feeding. I'm not going to ask you to stay at home with your kids or anything like that. At this point in the battle, I frankly don't care what you do. So keep doing whatever it is that you do.
But do these things, too -
Notice a mother and praise her children. When you see a mother out in public with her kids, smile at her. Tell her her children are beautiful. She might need your gentle reminder of the truth she knows way deep down in her weary heart, even as her little hellions-apparent are darting in and out of the clothing racks at Target. I don't care if her kids are the ugliest, rowdiest, nastiest creatures you've ever seen. Really, I don't. Lie if you have to, and console yourself in the knowledge that your opinion aside, God has made all things beautiful - even snotty, unruly children. She might be, in fact, a crappy mom. But she might just as well be a great mom having a hard time keeping it all together while her children work off the effects of insufficient sleep, inadequate exercise, or excessive sugar. Your casual praise may change drastically her accounting of her maternal abilities, and thus the trajectory of her day. So praise her, praise her children... even if it feels like a stretch. You can afford to be nice.
Tell your daughter she's going to be a great mommy. I know not every little girl is going to grow up to be a mommy, so I'm not suggesting you overdo the mommy thing to the extent that your sweet little girl grows up to think being a mommy is the ONLY thing in the world. Introduce, explore, and encourage a world of possibilities. But let her know that she has what it takes to be an awesome mom. She'll have enough doubts of her own, especially if these Mommy Wars continue. Make sure she knows there's at least one person - one person who knows full well what being a mommy takes - who has complete faith in her ability to care for a tiny human being. Show her how to do it, and praise her when you see her mimicking you with her baby dolls, her little brother, a child at the playground. Give her the courage not only to pursue with confidence her dreams of dentistry or dolphins, but her dream of being a mommy.
That's all I have for now, and I hope it didn't sound too combative or... or... or... whatever. It's just that it makes me a little mad to think that my generation of mothers might be remembered as one of constant comparison and self-doubt. I want better for us. More than that, I want better for our daughters. I want them to march into motherhood with complete confidence in their God-given skills, abilities, talents, and gifts. I want them to know without question, without nagging doubt, that whatever lifestyles they choose for themselves and their families, they are indeed Mom Enough.
No comments:
Post a Comment