So I began a second post in which I proposed four L's for surviving motherhood. The L's are fine, and you'll read them soon enough, but they revealed a major dilemma of writing something to be posted for all the world to stumble upon. There is a danger in this format of appearing desperate for either compassion or compliments, sometimes both at the same time. I'm afraid this is somewhat unavoidable, given the nature of the topic, and so I proceed with an assurance and a disclaimer, hoping that this will be the final rewrite of this difficult to birth post and that you won't all rise up to smack the insufferable out of me.
The assurance is that, though I have at various times felt pitifully overwhelmed and have not endured motherhood's trials with much grace at all, I am alive and well and trust that I will continue to survive the stresses of motherhood, hopefully with ever-increasing grace. The disclaimer is that I am not in the clear. The thoughts I share are things I am only beginning to learn. I know that I have barely begun parenting, that greater trials lie ahead, and that I am sure to crash to the ground in a rotten mess from time to time. I do not write this post in the hopes of garnering pity or admiration, but first and foremost to remind myself to be aware of the emotional pitfalls of motherhood and prepared to meet them face on, and secondly, to offer consolation and help to other mothers who have been at their limits, who are at their limits now, or who will someday be at their limits.
Without further delay... The Four L's.
1. Know your LIMITS. Everybody has them, and they vary greatly. Some people know before they even begin to try to conceive that their offspring will jar all of their mental, emotional, and spiritual resources from the moment of conception. Others stroll blissfully through the first several years of motherhood, speaking in calm, singsong tones as they point out all the flower petals and ant colonies and puppy-dog-shaped clouds along the way. Wherever you fall on the spectrum, rest assured that you do have limits. Figure out what your limits are and what happens when circumstances push you to the edge of those limits or beyond. Are there things that rush you unexpectedly over the edge, bringing you to a point best described as a meltdown - when you are completely overwhelmed by all the pressures of life as a wife and mother and everything else you have to be and do and you just can't take it anymore? What do you look like when you have reached that point? More importantly, what do you look like right before you reach that point? Learn the warning signs of an impending meltdown and train yourself to slow down, step back, and proceed with caution at the earliest warning signs. The sooner you identify what appears to be the fast-approaching edge of sanity, the more time you will have to keep yourself from falling over the edge - or to prepare yourself to go down with the least amount of pain. Do not continue headlong over the cliffs of insanity. (All my Princess Bride fans, say, "Inconceivable!")
If you need help identifying your limits, I recommend, for about the ten millionth time, Raising Your Spirited Child by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. As it teaches you to guide your children through their tumultuous emotions, it will teach you to guide yourself through your own inner tumults. As an added bonus, if you are able to keep the ones who often drive you to your limits from reaching their limits, you will likely find that they don't drive you to your limits as often or as quickly.
2. Identify your LIFESAVERS. I don't know a lot about descending sheer cliffs, but I do know that those who are genuinely concerned about reaching the bottom alive and well do two things. First, they dress appropriately for the task and show up with the tools necessary to prevent a sudden plunge. They wear special shoes and gloves and a belt full of tools whose names and uses are beyond my knowledge. Secondly, they strap on a helmet and make sure their lifeline is secure before they step of the edge. Should they lose their footing, that rope will save them a very gory death and that helmet will protect them from many of the bumps along the way.
In a similar way, mothers who hope to maneuver the trials of their role with grace need to implement a plan for preventing slips and for protecting against disaster when they do lose their footing. Every mother's plan will be different, of course, but have a plan. Don't show up at the cliff with flip flops and a can of silly string.
The things that keep you from reaching your limit are often simple, everyday (or otherwise regularly scheduled) habits and practices. For me, these include, in no particular order and to varying degree of practice, "Happy Sister Calls" with my wise and wonderful sister, play dates with friends, listening to either calm or upbeat music (depending on my mood and tolerance of sound), sending children outside to play, instituting a loose "rest" time, running on the treadmill, utilizing the lock on the bathroom door, time in the evening with Geoff, and...
Coffee... My brother recently remarked that I have a "deranged psychological dependence" upon the availability of coffee. I may be psychologically deranged, but I don't know... I think the coffee attraction has more to do with the idea that it is all mine. I share a lot with my children. My coffee is one of the few things that is off limits. They might ask for a sip now and then, but for the most part, it's mine. All mine. And it feels kind of nice, especially when it's in one of my special mugs. The moral of the coffee cup is not to be a selfish, unsharing caffeine addict, but to pamper yourself just a little by setting aside something - obviously it doesn't have to be something big - that is distinctly Mommy's. It will remind you on those days when you feel like you ought to be drinking from a sippy cup that you are indeed a big girl. And that alone might give you the courage to act like a big girl.
Take the time to identify those things that will keep you steady from day to day. Who cares how big or little an item, how insignificant a habit, or how brief a contact it is... if you grow flustered in its absence, then be sure not to neglect it.
Be sure, too, to have an emergency plan for those days when you feel completely overwhelmed. Call a friend or family member, either to take the kids to their house for a couple hours or to come over and visit with you. Don't be afraid to ask. I've been on both sides and promise it will be a blessing for both of you.
I have found, too, that sometimes an emergency lifesaver even dearer than time away from my children or time with another adult, is time spent doing something extraordinarily fun with my children. It might be an impromptu trip to the zoo or the children's museum or a trip to the park with a $5 ready-to-go pizza. When you think you're going to drive each other completely insane, shake it up a bit so the crazy doesn't know where to land. In the process, you stand a pretty good chance of gaining some precious memories and a new perspective. Maybe your children have been hellions all week and don't deserve a trip to the park. Maybe you've been a hellion all week, and your children deserve a mother who remembers how to relax and see the best in her babies again. I don't advocate shunning discipline, but seriously... If you're about to have a meltdown, shake it off. Have fun with your children. Start over. If there are still behavioral issues to address, you'll be better equipped to do it when you're wound a little less tightly.
3. Remember your LORD. This really belongs in the lifesaver category, but I think it's significant enough to have its own number. Remembering your Lord is both a daily and an emergency lifesaver, and it extends far beyond the realm of motherhood into every area of life.
It's simple enough to say, "Trust in the Lord," but actually doing it becomes a little more tricky. Sometimes it's tricky because we want to figure out and fix everything on our own. But I think we have another problem, especially when we become bogged down by daily duties and stresses, and that is that we don't always take the time to REMEMBER. And what exactly do we need to remember?
We need to remember to pray... and remember that we have prayed. Plain and simple, God hears our prayers and answers them. Don't forget to lay your concerns before the Lord. Just as importantly, don't forget the prayers you have made. On more than one occasion, I have been surprised to receive good news, only to remember that it was something about which I had recently prayed.
We need to remember who God is and what He has promised. This is why we should be reading our Bibles as often as possible. God's love for us is written all through the pages of our Bibles, along with more promises than I could write here. Crack open your Bible and start reading. If the thought of reading the Bible in 90 days, or 180 days, or 365 days gives you a panic attack, don't even think about it. Just read a verse a day, or a chapter a day. Read the Proverb that matches the day of the month (Proverbs 1 and the 1st, etc). Just read, however long you have the strength to read. Put a Bible in the car or, as an anonymous friend who shall remain unnamed did, put one in your bathroom, so you can read while you, um... wait. Jesus doesn't care how much you read or how dignified you are if your heart earnestly seeks Him.
We need to remember what God has done in the past. This is another reason reading the Scriptures is so important. We see what God has done in the past, how He has been present with and faithful to His people over and over again. We begin to understand that the One who kept Noah afloat also keeps us afloat when the emotional floods of motherhood threaten to overwhelm us. He who stood in the fire with Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego stands with us through every fiery trial we endure. If there is anything that history - biblical, church, and world - teaches us, it is that God sustains His people. Countless people have suffered agonies far, far worse than those of motherhood and have lived to praise the name of Jesus.
We need to remember that God does not deal with us as our sins deserve. He is good and merciful and gracious to us. He forgives our sins and remembers them no more. This is unspeakably good news. It tells me than all my failures and weaknesses as a mother, not to mention a human being, have been forgiven. It also shows me how to treat my children. I cannot fail, when God's grace to me is on my heart and mind, to tend to my children's needs and desires with a great, though lesser measure of goodness, mercy, and grace.
4. Indulge your LOVES. This whole post started as a commentary on the idea of getting away from the kids, focussing on the notion that moms need to go out alone or with their girlfriends. I will just say, regarding that idea, that for various reasons ranging from practicality to personal preference, Mom's Night Out isn't every mother's cup of tea. Some prefer coffee and brownies at home over tea and crumpets on the town. Going shopping or out to dinner may be just what one mother needs, but it may not rejuvenate another a mother enough to warrant the trouble of arranging the outing or the expense of the outing itself.
So know what you love to do and do it. Plan a night out with friends or read a book at home. Get a hotel for the night or plan a family hike. Whatever floats your boat, treat yourself to it once in awhile.
And don't be afraid to say "no" when you don't feel quite up to something. A couple months ago, my husband suggested a day long event in which I would have the rare experience of child-free interaction with other adults. There was nothing objectionable in it, but it just didn't thrill me. I thought of the awkwardness of having to converse with a bunch of strangers and of all the things that wouldn't get done, from laundry to time with Geoff, on the first free Saturday our family had had in weeks. He thought it would be a wonderful diversion, a horizon broadening day... and that I would come home refreshed. I thought I might have fun if I found someone with whom I clicked, but mostly I thought I'd rather spend the day at home. Perhaps I should have gone and proven Geoff right, and maybe someday he'll catch me in a less flustered, more sociable mood and I will go and beg for more. But at the time, I just wasn't sure if it would be worth the time away from other duties and pleasures.
In contrast, (and to brag on Geoff just a bit, having possibly just portrayed him as slightly oblivious to his wife's interests), this past March I attended a two-day home school convention. It was some sort of wonderful, let me tell you... I could easily write an entire post about how great it was, but I'm going to narrow it down to three points. First, I was alone. Well, there were hundreds, probably thousands of other people there, but I saw no one I knew. Second, the speakers said just what I needed to hear and more. They reminded me of my hopes for my children and their education and challenged and equipped me to work to make those hopes a reality. Third, books. I got to look at books. ;) The whole thing encouraged, challenged, and refocussed me. I went tired and slightly discouraged after a difficult year of home schooling and left excited and rejuvenated. This was something I wanted to do and almost didn't do for various reasons. Having had such an amazing, restorative time, I now view this convention as something I must make every effort to do in the future. I indulged my inner nerd's love of lectures and books, and fed my inner idealist's love of grand ideas, and came away so much better for it. Not only did I return home with increased enthusiasm for the life we have chosen, I was also really glad to see everyone when I got home and very thankful to Geoff for encouraging me to go and for being a single father of four children for two days!
Obviously, home school conventions aren't everyone's cup of tea. The point is to find your cup of tea and drink deeply. Maybe not every day, but at least now and then... It's amazing what it can do for your outlook!
As we approach the end of this awkward post, I'm not sure I like it very much. It's all sort of scrambled, but maybe that's okay. Motherhood is a tough, sometimes scrambled up job. It's a wonderful job, but it isn't always smooth sailing. (Please forgive me for jumping metaphors. I haven't made my coffee yet). I can't promise that the tips offered above will keep you from falling into an exhausted mess of tears at the end of a rough day (or in the middle of a rough day ;)), but I have found them useful in maintaining a certain level of calm on our more chaotic days.
The bottom line of all of this is that if you learn what the edge of sanity looks like and train yourself not to rush headlong over that cliff, but to step back and approach it with care, you will find foot and hand holds that will allow you not to dive into emotional chaos, but to navigate beyond your limits with grace and compassion for your children, your spouse, and yourself. Then you can look back and peacefully marvel at how well you came through it, rather than tearfully wishing you'd done better... Because you will survive being pushed past your limits and you will survive it again and again. As a friend once pointed out to me, very few of us really, actually, truly do lose our minds. You will survive motherhood. The question is," How well will you survive it?"
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