So, yesterday was Mother's Day. The theme of the year, perhaps due to a certain magazine cover, seemed to be the infamous "Mommy Wars." I read a couple articles blasting the idea that moms are in some great competition with one another, all striving to be "mom enough." Several of the practices mentioned - presumably things women feel pressured to do, like they aren't mom enough until they do these things - are things I have done, including exclusive breastfeeding, co-sleeping, baby wearing, extended breastfeeding, etc. The idea of the articles was that these things, in and of themselves, don't make a mom a good mom, and we should all just shut up and mother in whatever way best suits us.
I agree. None of that makes a mom a good mom, and we should mother according to our informed principals and maternal instincts.
But I disagree, too. I don't think we need to shut up.
Here's why: No one ever told me it was okay to wait till my child was eight months to start solids. No one ever told me I could sleep with my baby. No one ever encouraged me to use a sling. Had it not been for a friend who nursed her toddler at my house, I might not have known it was okay to nurse a toddler. Instead, I was told I had to pass around my baby, who was in the midst of that marvelous separation anxiety phase, even though he cried hysterically when I let him go. I was told to let my babies cry it out. I was told to wean my nine month old. I was told I'd regret holding my babies so much when I developed hip problems. I was laughed at (just a little) for not giving my nine month old ice cream. None of those things felt quite right, and it was mostly by accident or chance observances that Geoff and I fell into this whole "attachment parenting" thing. I've read a lot over the past ten years, and I'm perfectly comfortable with our choices. I'm not saying I'm a great mom or that I implement all of my parenting philosophy consistently or anything like that... I'm just saying that I'm comfortable with our choices and glad we made them.
So, I'm not going to hush up about how we parent or apologize for our choices or act like I haven't enjoyed living out those choices. Frankly, I don't care what another mom decides to do, but I want her to know that if she wants a drug free birth, she can do it; if she wants to breastfeed for three years, she won't damage her kid; if she wants to cuddle her baby to sleep, she won't prevent him from ever learning to sleep on his own; if she wants to delay solids, she won't kill her kid's appetite; if she wants to carry her baby everywhere, she won't keep him from walking... If she wants to parent in this "attached" way, she won't ruin her baby.
I may get in trouble for this, but I'll go so far as to say that if a mother wants to parent in this way, doing so WILL make her a better mom, because she is living by her convictions. If a mother does not feel convicted to do any of these things, fine. I really, truly don't care where anyone's baby sleeps or how long they nurse - or even if they nurse. But for the sake of the woman who WANTS to do these things, but isn't sure she can, I will not allow a couple articles to scare me out of encouraging her to follow her instincts.
I don't want to badger anyone into parenting a particular way, but I do want those who are on the fence to know that it is perfectly okay to go against what so many tell them to do. I want to encourage moms to make their own choices, informed by knowledge and instinct, and own those choices, mothering proudly according to their convictions, not doubting with every acquaintance's comment.
And that is why, no matter how many articles I read denouncing "The Mommy Wars," I will fight - hopefully with grace and compassion - a war against a solitary type of motherhood in which we lose the freedom to speak openly about parenting practices - which is the heart of my discomfort with all these articles. Let us not compete with one another or raise a standard to which some may not or can not aspire. But let us not allow the media to keep us from sharing with and encouraging one another as we raise the next generation. We need to know we aren't alone, regardless of how we raise our children.
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